BTAS: Harley's Holiday
by UncleCatwoman
Summary: Is Harley Quinn really going straight? She's definitely up to something ... but what? Is it legal? And where do Ivy and the Penguin fit into it?
1. Teaser

A/N: This is an episode of _Batman: The Animated Series_ and was written as a screenwriting exercise. And as a gift for my nephews. And because I like Harley and Ivy.

Alas, I own neither setting nor characters. I just like telling stories with them.

* * *

**TEASER:**

**FADE IN**

**EXT. GOTHAM BRIDGE - NIGHT**

Pouring rain. There is little traffic on the bridge. Until …

Two cars swerve into view and speed onto the bridge, chased by two police cars, their lights and sirens on.

**INT. LEAD CAR - NIGHT**

PENGUIN and three GOONS. And an OWL perched on the front passenger seat headrest.

Penguin is in the back seat and hits the Goon driving with his umbrella.

PENGUIN  
Faster! Wah! Faster!

The driving Goon cringes.

WHUMP! Something lands on top the car. The Goons all look up. Penguin turns, looks out the rear window. Part of a dark blue cape, from on top the car, whips back and forth in the wind.

PENGUIN (CON'T)  
It's the Bat! Get him!

They all pull guns and open fire, up, through the roof of the car.

**EXT. LEAD CAR - NIGHT**

BATMAN jumps off of the car as bullets tear up through the roof. He hangs in mid-air, just for a few seconds, then lands on top of the second car.

**INT. SECOND CAR - NIGHT**

The four GOONS in this car all look up, worried.

Suddenly Batman's arms reach in through the driver's window and yank him out. The other Goon in the front seat leans over, grabs the wheel but has trouble getting over the hump.

**EXT. GOTHAM BRIDGE - NIGHT**

The second car swerves all over the bridge and crashes through the side rail. It falls down, towards the river, and, as it does, the three remaining Goons jump out of it.

**INT. LEAD CAR - NIGHT**

Penguin watches out the rear window.

GOON (O.S.)  
Uh … Boss?

Penguin grunts and turns around. The driving Goon is pointing forward where three police cars pull onto the bridge at the other end and speed towards them.

Penguin leans down and pulls a small valise off the floor. He opens it - it's filled with sparkling jewelry and bundles of cash.

PENGUIN  
Well, boys, it looks like we might be going back to Arkham after all. Wah!  
(grins)  
But at least we'll have something waiting for us when we get out!

He closes the valise and lifts it. The Owl hops onto it and closes his toes around the handle.

PENGUIN (CON'T)  
Fly, my pet! Fly!

The Owl nods once at Penguin and then jumps out the window of the car, carrying the valise with it.

**EXT. ABOVE GOTHAM BRIDGE – NIGHT**

Penguin's car screeches to a stop, blocked ahead and behind by police cars. Batman swings towards it on his BatLine.

Above them all, unnoticed, the Owl flies away into the rain, carrying the valise.

**EXT. WOODS - NIGHT**

It is still dark and still raining. The Owl flies through the trees. It still carries the valise.

It glides past a large tree with a hollow opening in it, high above the ground. It circles the tree, flies into the opening and drops the valise in the hollow and then takes off into the night.

**END TEASER**

**TITLE:** **HARLEY'S HOLIDAY**


	2. Act One

A/N: This is an episode of _Batman: The Animated Series_ and was written as a screenwriting exercise. And as a gift for my nephews. And because I like Harley and Ivy.

Alas, I own neither setting nor characters. I just like telling stories with them.

* * *

**ACT ONE:**

**EXT. GOTHAM CITY STREET - AFTERNOON**

A bright, clear afternoon in late winter/early spring. There is no snow on the ground but the pedestrians on the street are still wearing coats.

ROBIN rides through an intersection on his BatCycle. He sees something to his right, makes a wide loop through traffic and heads off toward it.

**EXT. GOTHAM CITY STREET - AFTERNOON**

BELLMAN'S FINE FOODS, a specialty grocery store, has an ambulance, police cars and police officers mingling in the street in front of it.

DETECTIVE RENEE MONTOYA, an attractive woman with long, dark hair, turns away from the officer she is speaking to as Robin rides up.

ROBIN  
(getting off his BatCycle)  
Detective.

Montoya walks over to him.

MONTOYA  
Boy Wonder.

ROBIN  
What happened?

MONTOYA  
Harley Quinn.

ROBIN  
Did she rob the place?

MONTOYA  
I'm not sure yet.

Robin gives her a confused look.

MONTOYA (con't)  
Come on.

Montoya leads Robin to the store. They stop at the door as two PARAMEDICS help a scared-looking CLERK out of the building. The Clerk has a bandage wrapped around his head.

CLERK  
(to Robin)  
She ... she tried to kill me!

The Paramedics pull him towards the ambulance. Robin gives Montoya a curious look.

MONTOYA  
You need to see this.

**INT. BELLMAN'S FINE FOODS, STORE OFFICE - AFTERNOON**

A GCPD AV TECH sits in front of a number of VCR-looking machines and adjusts settings on one of them. Robin and Montoya stand behind him.

ROBIN  
So we have the security video taken during the incident?

AV TECH  
(not looking up)  
In just a min ...

He looks up at Robin and Montoya and smiles as he hits a button on the equipment

AV TECH (con't)  
Voila!

A video screen clicks on, displays snow for a second and then focuses in to an overhead view of the check-out counter of the main store.

The (same) Clerk stands behind the check-out counter, looking through a box full of groceries and checking them off on a list on a clipboard.

The camera's POV moves in and ...

TRANSITIONS TO:

**INT. BELLMAN'S FINE FOODS - AFTERNOON**

The Clerk goes through his box.

A unseen CUSTOMER places a small basket on the counter. It has three purple fruits - pomegranates - in it.

CLERK  
(not looking up)  
I'll be right with you.

CUSTOMER (O.S.)  
(female, high-pitched nasal with a Brooklyn accent)  
No problemo.

The Clerk continues checking his groceries and list for a moment but then there is a low, menacing animal's GROWL. He looks up and sees ...

HARLEY QUINN, in costume, at the counter, pulls some cash out of her red-and-black purse. On the floor, at either side of her, her two pet HYENAS, show their teeth and GROWL.

The Clerk recognizes Harley, drops his clipboard and steps back.

HARLEY  
(to the Hyenas)  
Babies, hush!  
(then, to the Clerk)  
What do I owe you?

CLERK  
Owe? Nothing! They're yours! Just ... just take them and go!  
(quietly)  
Please don't hurt me.

HARLEY  
Hurt you? I don't want to hurt you. I just want to buy my -

The Clerk shoves the basket back at her.

CLERK  
Take them! They're yours!

HARLEY  
No! I need to pay for them!

Harley reaches towards him with some bills in her hand. The Clerk SCREAMS, jumps backwards and stumbles in the tight space. He falls, banging his head on the counter on the way down and knocking himself unconscious.

Harley looks around the store ...

HARLEY (con't)  
Is there anyone who can ...

... and sees the commotion has grabbed the attention of everyone else in the store and, from the looks on their faces, they all share the Clerk's opinion of her.

CUSTOMER (O.S.)  
Someone call the police!

HARLEY  
(quietly, sad)  
I just wanted to pay for my ...

Harley tucks the money under the corner of the basket on the counter and picks up her purple fruits. She gestures to her Hyenas.

HARLEY (CON'T)  
Come on, babies.

**INT. BELLMAN'S FINE FOODS, STORE OFFICE - AFTERNOON**

Robin and Montoya look at each other. Montoya raises one eyebrow.

**INT. BATMOBILE - AFTERNOON**

Batman is driving. Fast. The BatMobile's engines REV and RUMBLE as the streets of Gotham City fly by.

ROBIN (O.S.)  
I don't get it.

BATMAN  
She's tried to go straight before. Maybe she can do it this time.

**EXT. GOTHAM CITY STREET - AFTERNOON**

Robin, back on his BatCycle, rides through another part of the city.

ROBIN  
Maybe. But ...

BATMAN (O.S.)  
But what?

ROBIN  
The way she said she needed to pay for her fruit.

**INT. BATMOBILE - AFTERNOON**

BATMAN  
She does need to pay for things if she's going to go straight.

ROBIN (O.S.)  
I know, it's just ...

Something on the BatMobile's dashboard BEEPS.

BATMAN  
Hold on.

Batman hits a few buttons on the small computer screen on the dashboard and green texts appear as a HUD (heads up display) on the inside of the BatMobile's wind-shield.

BATMAN (CON'T)  
She's shopping again.

ROBIN (O.S.)  
Where?

BATMAN  
Gotham Lawn & Garden. I'm five minutes from there.

**EXT. GOTHAM CITY STREET - AFTERNOON**

The BatMobile screeches into a high-speed turn through an intersection and speeds off down the street.

**EXT. GOTHAM CITY STREET - AFTERNOON**

On a different street, Robin makes a U-turn and zooms back the way he came from.

ROBIN  
I'm on my way.

**EXT. GOTHAM LAWN & GARDEN - AFTERNOON**

Gotham Lawn & Garden outdoor store dwarfs their indoor one. Rows of everything from lawn furniture to hoses to trees to gardening tools to gazebos.

Harley, still in costume but without her 'Babies', strolls down a row, whistling and pushing a new red wheelbarrow with a tree sapling in it.

She stops and looks at mulch bags, piled on a wooden skid. Beside that is a tool display - shovels, hoes, trowels - and beside that a pair of dark blue boots. Batman.

BATMAN  
Harley.

HARLEY  
Oh! Hey, Bats.

Harley takes a deep breath and looks up at the sky.

HARLEY (CON'T)  
Great day, ain't it?

BATMAN  
What are you up to, Harley?

HARLEY  
Me? Just a little shoppin'.

Harley reaches over and pulls a shovel off of the display. Batman shifts his stance to a more defensive, combat-ready one. Harley notices. She frowns and drops the shovel.

HARLEY  
(angry)  
Now, that ain't fair, Bats! You been on me for years about goin' straight but every time I try you don't give me any credit for doin' it! You're just waitin' for me to mess up. An' that just ain't fair!

Batman looks at her silently for a long moment.

BATMAN  
You're right, Harley.

HARLEY  
I am?

BATMAN  
Yes. And I'm sorry. Changing your life isn't easy and I'll give you the benefit of doubt from now on. OK?

HARLEY  
(nodding and smiling)  
OK.

Harley leans down to pick up the shovel again but Batman beats her to it. He picks it up and hands it to her.

BATMAN  
Where are you planting your tree?

HARLEY  
Oh ...  
(evasive)  
I'm sure I'll find someplace for it.

BATMAN  
I'm sure you will.  
(beat)  
Planting trees. Ivy would be proud of you.

Harley stops dead.

HARLEY  
Ivy! Dang it! I forgot about ... She'll kill me if I don't ... if she's not there to ...

BATMAN  
Harley - Ivy's still in Arkham. You're not thinking about doing anything that might make you lose the benefit of my doubt already, are you?

HARLEY  
(unconvincingly)  
Course not! Wouldn't think of it ...

**INT. BATCAVE**

Batman sits at the BatComputer and watches the footage from the specialty food store. Robin enters and stands beside him.

ROBIN  
Do you think she's really doing it?

The video freezes on Harley tucking the money under the basket to pay for her fruit.

BATMAN  
I think she's trying.  
(beat)  
But I think she's also up to something.

ROBIN  
Something illegal?

BATMAN  
I don't think so. She hasn't tried to hide anything that she's doing, just the reason why.

ROBIN  
What do you think it is?

BATMAN  
I don't know ... yet. But if she's planting trees I think I know someone who might.

**EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM – AFTERNOON**

A tall, wrought-iron gate with the words "ARKHAM ASYLUM" worked into it. Behind it, in the distance, on the top of the hill is the silhouette of the building, looking not unlike an old, creepy castle.

**INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM VISITOR CENTER**

The Visitor Center is a long room with a transparent, bulletproof-glass window down the center. It is broken into cubicles along both sides of the window, each with a desk, chair and phone.

ARKHAM GUARD (O.S.)  
Isley! You got a visitor!

A TALL WOMAN enters at one end of the visitor-side of the room, wearing a tan raincoat and a wide-brimmed hat that obscures her face.

She walks the length of the room. She passes a Goon, on the phone with Penguin (on the other side of the glass), a couple of empty seats, an CRYING OLD WOMAN on the phone with THE VENTRILOQUIST and a couple more empty seats. POISON IVY sits in the last seat, on the other side of the glass. She wears a yellow and green prison jumper and looks bored.

The Tall Woman, hat brim still covering her face, takes a seat across from Ivy.

IVY  
(irritated)  
You're not my lawyer.

Ivy stands up.

IVY (CON't)  
I don't have time for these games!

TALL WOMAN  
(Harley's voice)  
Sure ya do! Just a quick game of Monopoly ...

Ivy stops.

The Tall Woman lifts her head, and hat, and she is really Harley. She grins.

HARLEY (CON'T)  
... and I'm your Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card!

**END ACT ONE**


	3. Act Two

A/N: This is an episode of _Batman: The Animated Series_ and was written as a screenwriting exercise. And as a gift for my nephews. And because I like Harley and Ivy.

Alas, I own neither setting nor characters. I just like telling stories with them.

* * *

**ACT TWO:**

**INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM VISITOR CENTER**

Harley and Ivy grin at each other through the glass..

HARLEY  
Didn't think I forgot about'cha, did ya, Red?

IVY  
No, but you are cutting it a little close.

HARLEY  
Sorry. I've been busy.

Harley opens under her coat. She wears her costume underneath it. She pulls out a small, gift-wrapped box, maybe twelve inches square, with a large red arrow on one side.

HARLEY (CON'T)  
Doin' things legit takes a lot of time. I don't see how people do it ...

She puts the box on the floor, the arrow pointing to the wall, and pushes it under the desk with her foot. When it hits the wall, the package BEEPS.

Harley moves back the way she came. Quickly.

Ivy follows, on her side of the glass. As she passes him, she pulls The Ventriloquist up, out of his chair.

IVY  
Time to move, doll man.

VENTRILOQUIST  
(confused)  
What ...? But ... my mother ...

HARLEY (O.S.)  
I got her.

Harley helps the Crying Old Woman up, out of her chair.

HARLEY (CON'T)  
Let's go, grandma.

Harley keeps walking and pushing the Crying Old Woman in front of her. On the other side of the glass, Ivy pushes The Ventriloquist the same way.

As they pass Penguin and the Goon, they jump out of their seats and follow. Penguin grins.

Just as Harley reaches the door she came in through, it opens and Batman steps through. Robin is behind him.

BATMAN  
Harley? What are you -

CLOSE UP of the box Harley left on the floor. It emits a seconds-long BEEEEP and then ...

BOOOM! A huge explosion blows out the glass dividing wall and the wall past it (behind where Ivy was sitting) - which is an exterior wall - leaving a big, gaping hole to the outside.

Batman steps toward Harley.

BATMAN  
(mad)  
You lied to me!

HARLEY  
No, Bats! I told you the truth! I swear!

Harley pulls out a large pistol and fires it, shooting a large boxing glove on a retractable arm. Batman dives out of the way. The boxing glove misses him but hits Robin dead on and knocks him back, out of the room.

HARLEY (CON'T)  
I'm goin' straight!

Harley backs away from him, toward the hole in the dividing wall. Batman follows after her.

BATMAN  
Breaking Ivy out of jail is NOT going straight!

Behind Batman, Robin gets to his feet ... and the Goon jumps on him.

HARLEY  
I know but ... It ain't what you think! I can explain!

BATMAN  
I'm all ears!

Ivy runs through the gap in the dividing wall, towards Batman and Harley.

Behind her, the Penguin waddles to the hole in the outside wall and looks out.

PENGUIN  
Thank you, ladies!

Penguin jumps out the hole, sideways not down, and disappears from view. The is a loud CREAKING noise and a downspout bends out, away from the building, with Penguin hanging off of it. It bends lower and then out of sight.

PENGUIN (CON'T) (O.S.)  
(fading)  
Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Batman and Harley face each other, combat ready, poised for the other to attack.

BATMAN  
I'm waiting ...

HARLEY  
I know how this looks but can't you just trust me on this one, Bats?

BATMAN  
(incredulous)  
Trust you? When ...  
(then, remembering)  
No, Harley. I can't. I'm sorry.

HARLEY  
(sighs)  
Yeah, I get it. I'm sorry too.

BATMAN  
For what?

HARLEY  
This.

Harley flicks her hand. There is a loud SNAP and a bright flash. Batman flinches, just for a moment, but that's long enough. Harley somersaults over him, turning in mid-air, slides him into solid full nelson wrestling hold as she lands.

Batman struggles to break out of it but Harley holds on.

HARLEY (CON'T)  
Hurry up! I can't hold him for long!

IVY (O.S.)  
Don't get your roots in a knot.

Ivy walks up to them, putting on lipstick as she does. Batman's eyeslots get bigger.

BATMAN  
Ivy ... you haven't done anything wrong yet.

IVY  
I know.

Ivy moves close to Batman.

IVY (CON'T)  
Would it help if I told you I'd be back tomorrow night?

Batman doesn't talk but struggles more against Harley's hold.

IVY (CON'T)  
I didn't think so. Nighty-night, Batman.

Ivy leans in and gives Batman a long kiss. He struggles against it for a moment but then he stops moving altogether and slumps forward. Harley lowers him to the ground.

HARLEY  
We gotta get outta here!

**INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM, CORRIDOR**

Just outside the open Visitor Center door ...

The Goon lunges at Robin who ducks under him, spins and flips the Goon over his shoulder.

The Goon hits the wall, upside-down, and slides to the floor, unconscious.

Robin jumps to the doorway.

ROBIN  
Batman, I'm -

There are two loud POPS! as a confetti explosion goes off in the doorway, filling the area with streamers and glitter and confetti ... and wrapping Robin up like a mummy.

HARLEY (O.S.)  
Robin, the boy pinata!

Harley and Ivy's laughter fades as Robin, cocooned and unable to move, falls over.

**INT – BATCAVE**

Batman is sitting at the BatComputer. Robin and ALFRED stand behind him. The monitor displays both Harley and Ivy's faces, as well as a long list of data.

Robin does an uncomfortable wiggle-shake.

ROBIN  
That confetti was worse than a haircut!

Robin reaches a hand into the back of his costume shirt and scratches.

ROBIN (CON'T)  
Man, do I need a shower!

BATMAN  
No, what we need is information.

Batman taps the keyboard and the picture zooms in on Harley's face.

BATMAN (CON'T)  
What are you up to, Harley?

ALFRED  
Why does she have to be 'up to' anything, Master Bruce?

ROBIN  
Why? Because she's Harley Quinn!

ALFRED  
Exactly.

ROBIN  
Huh? I don't get it.

BATMAN  
I do. She was right when she yelled at me. She's Harley Quinn, the Joker's girlfriend and half crazy herself. Of course we're going to think she's up to something.  
(beat)  
But what if she's not?

Batman taps his keyboard again and the video of Harley leaving the money under the basket plays.

BATMAN (CON'T)  
She paid for her fruit when no one was watching and she didn't have to. Maybe she is trying to change so ... let's give her the benefit of the doubt.

ROBIN  
But she -

BATMAN  
I know. And she seemed almost embarrassed about it. Usually she's as happy as a kid at Christmas.

ALFRED  
A kid at Hanukah, sir. Remember, Miss Quinzel is Jewish.

BATMAN  
You're right, Alfred, she is, and -

Batman pounds furiously on the keyboard.

ALFRED  
Sir?

BATMAN  
Tomorrow.

ROBIN  
What's tomorrow?

BATMAN  
Exactly! What's tomorrow?  
(beat)  
Ivy told me I wouldn't believe her but that she'd be back tomorrow night. So she and Harley have something to do tomorrow first. So ... what's tomorrow?

Data scrolls down the side of the large monitor. Batman stands to read it and Robin and Alfred step closer.

ROBIN  
No museum exhibits are opening or closing tomorrow.

ALFRED  
Can we rule out celebrity birthday?

BATMAN  
Maybe. No senators or politicians in town. No large money shipments.

ALFRED  
Trees.

BATMAN  
What?

ROBIN  
(looks at the screen)  
I don't see trees anywhere.

ALFRED  
You won't.

Alfred leans over Batman, hits a couple of keys one line of information highlights.

ALFRED (CON't)  
Unless you speak Hebrew.

ROBIN  
(reading)  
Tubbish Vat?

ALFRED  
Too Bish-vaht.

BATMAN  
Alfred, what's -

ALFRED  
Jewish Arbor Day.

Batman and Robin look at each other.

ALFRED (CON'T)  
It honors God and Nature. It's usually celebrated by planting new trees and eating fruits native to Israel.

Robin points to the frozen frame from the store video. Inside Harley's basket are purple fruits.

ROBIN  
Like pomegranites?

Alfred nods.

BATMAN  
Alfred, you're a genius!

ALFRED  
No, sir. I just had the luck to be in Israel on Too Bish-vaht a few years back and truly enjoyed the celebration.

ROBIN  
She did break Ivy out of Arkham ...

BATMAN  
I know ... but if Ivy was your best friend, would you celebrate Too Bish-vaht without her?

**EXT. WOODS – AFTERNOON**

Penguin and five Goons walking slowly through woods and look up at the trees around them. The Owl is flying above them.

PENGUIN  
It's got to be around here someplace! Wah!  
(to the Owl)  
Where did you leave it, my pet?

OWL  
Whoo!

The Owl flies off to the right. Penguin points after it with his umbrella.

PENGUIN  
Come on!

GOON  
Hey, Boss!

One of the Goons offers Penguin his binoculars and points to the left. Penguin looks through them.

**EXT. WOODS & FIELD - AFTERNOON**

POV framed by the binoculars.

The trees open up to a large field. At the other end of the field is a group of 40 or 50 people, with wheelbarrows, tree saplings, plants and shovels. Almost all of them hold black books in their hands.

POV focuses and then zooms in on the people, moving down the line. All of the men wear yarmulkes and, at the end, POV passes two women in long coats and hats ... but snaps back to them. Harley and Ivy. Still recognizable, even not in costume.

PENGUIN (O.S.)  
I knew it!

**EXT. WOODS - AFTERNOON**

Penguin stands with the one Goon. The rest are off to the right, in the direction Penguin pointed with his umbrella.

PENGUIN (CON'T)  
They're after my loot, boys! That's why they let me out of Arkham! Wah!  
(beat)  
Well they can't have it! It's mine! I ...

GOON  
Whadda we gonna do, Boss?

PENGUIN  
We're going to show those harpies that they can't steal from The Penguin!

**END ACT TWO**


	4. Act Three

A/N: This is an episode of _Batman: The Animated Series_ and was written as a screenwriting exercise. And as a gift for my nephews. And because I like Harley and Ivy.

Alas, I own neither setting nor characters. I just like telling stories with them.

* * *

**ACT THREE:**

**EXT – FIELD – ****AFTERNOON**

The RABBI, an older man, dressed in a suit, stands in front of the CONGREGATION.

RABBI  
... and see His generosity in giving us this abundance of nature,

He gestures to the plants and trees they have brought with them.

RABBI (CON'T)  
... these trees and these plants, to grow and be there for coming generations, and know that they are truly an example of His love for us.

Harley and Ivy, both smiling, are part of the Congregation and stand beside a wheelbarrow overflowing with three tree saplings and too many smaller plants to count.

The Rabbi opens the black book he is holding.

RABBI (CON'T)  
If you would all open your prayer books to page 203.

The members of the Congregation open their books and look for the page.

PENGUIN (O.S.)  
Nah, just skip to the end.  
(beat)  
Your ends!

The members of the Congregation look around, surprised and confused. The Rabbi spins around and his eyes widen at ...

Penguin and his Goons run out of the treeline. Penguin has his umbrella but none of the Goons are carrying weapons.

Harley and Ivy, their faces darkening with anger, move forward. Harley grabs a shovel from the wheelbarrow.

HARLEY  
No! You're not going to ruin this for me!

Goons #1, #2 and #3 run across the field.

Harley lands in front of Goon #2 and hits him in the stomach with her shovel, knocking him back and on his butt. Goons #1 and #3 stop and look at her.

Ivy lands feet-first on Goon #1 and knocking him flat on the ground and then somersaults off of him and turns in mid-air. She lands on her feet, facing him.

He starts to get up. Ivy throws a handful of seeds on him and and ground around him. Almost immediately, long vines erupt out of them and wrap themselves around his arms and torso, holding him to the ground.

Harley notices this. Goon #3 crouches, watching her, waiting for the right moment to ...

HARLEY (CON'T)  
Ivy! At me!

Goon #3 launches himself at Harley ... who dives to one side and isn't there anymore ... but another handful of Ivy's seeds are. These, too, erupt into vines that entangle and restrain him.

GOON #2 gets to his feet. Harley lands beside him ...

HARLEY (CON'T)  
(yells)  
Fore!

... and hits him in the head with the shovel, knocking him out.

GOON #4  
Five!

Goon #4 holds a tree sapling like a baseball bat and swings it at Harley. He connects and she goes flying.

Harley crash-lands into a wheelbarrow and sends plants and garden tools flying everywhere. The close Congregation members jump back. Harley tries to get up but can't just yet.

Ivy and Goon #4 circle each other, like wrestlers. Goon #4 still holds his sapling and grins.

GOON #4  
An' you're number six!

IVY  
(shakes her head)  
Trees wouldn't hurt me.

Ivy stares at the sapling for a moment and it grows, taller and thicker. Goon #4 is fine ... but then struggles under its increasing weight. He eventually collapses backwards, the now-tree on top of him, pinning him to the ground.

IVY (CON'T)  
You, on the other hand ...

PENGUIN (O.S.)  
Enough!

There is AUTOMATIC-WEAPON FIRE and Ivy flinches.

Penguin holds his smoking umbrella gun pointed into the air.

PENGUIN (CON'T)  
Enough! Wah!  
(beat)  
Now ... I want what's rightfully mine and you -

Something WHIRRLS and a Batarang knocks the umbrella out of Penguin's hands.

BATMAN (O.S.)  
Stealing something doesn't mean it's rightfully yours, Penguin!

Batman and Robin run across the field, toward the fight.

ROBIN  
Unless it's your cell in Arkham!

Penguin dives to the ground and grabs his umbrella gun.

PENGUIN  
It's the Bat! Wah! Get him!

Penguin opens fire with his umbrella.

Ivy jumps out of the way as bullets tear into the tree pinning Goon #4, breaking it into smaller pieces and sending splinters flying in all directions.

Goon #4 pushes the broken tree pieces off of himself and jumps to his feet.

The Rabbi helps Harley up. She sees something and dives back to the ground, drags him down with her and flips the wheelbarrow up on its side just as bullets slam into it.

Goon #1 pulls himself free of the entangling vines and runs over to help Goon #3 free.

Ivy runs over and helps Harley and the Rabbi up. Goon #4 leaps at her from behind but Robin tackles him sideways before he reaches her.

Goon #5 swings at Batman but doesn't connect. He swings again, another miss, and Batman side-kicks him in the stomach. As Goon #5 goes down, Goon #1 jumps on Batman from behind and punches him in the head. Batman drops to one knee.

Harley grabs a shovel from a different wheelbarrow. A few Congregants crouch behind it.

HARLEY  
May I?

One Congregant nods.

Robin and Goon #4 circle each other. Goon #4 jumps at Robin ... who drops onto his back and kicks Goon #4 up and back with both feet.

Goon #4 lands on his back. Hard. Beside a pair of feet in green hiking boots.

IVY (O.S.)  
This is for my tree!

Goon #4's POV, looking up at Ivy, as she lifts one booted foot and stomps it down, right into POV.

Robin winces and looks around.

Batman is on his knees and Goons #1 and #5 pound on him.

ROBIN (O.S.)  
Hey!

Both Goons turn and look and Harley swings her shovel at Goon #1 from behind and - CLANG! - knocks him out. Goon #5 jumps up and away from her and Batman.

HARLEY  
Nice distraction, Bird Boy!

Harley gives Batman a hand up. He pushes her behind him and punches Goon #5, who was coming at them, in the face. Harley leap-frogs up and over Batman's shoulders, at Goon #5, swinging her shovel.

Penguin looks around and is not happy with what he sees ...

PENGUIN  
Waaah!

... and he takes off back towards the trees.

Goon #3 punches Ivy in the stomach.

IVY  
Ow! You ... you weed!

Ivy punches him back, in the face, and spinning him around ... to Robin. Robin punches him, spinning him back around to Ivy, who blows a puff of yellow powder into his face. His eyes roll up in his head and he collapses.

Robin and Ivy smile and nod at each other.

Batman looks around and sees ...

... Penguin, almost to the tree line.

BATMAN (O.S.)  
Harley!

Batman crouches and lifts both arms up.

Harley grins, throws her shovel to the side, sprints and then leaps onto Batman's shoulders. He springs up, using his arms to help throw Harley into the air.

Penguin looks back over his shoulder and his eyes widen.

PENGUIN  
Noooo!

Harley lands, both feet first, on top of him and they both sprawl out on the ground.

Harley flips Penguin over, onto his back, and straddles him. A pomegranite is in her hand. She breaks it open on his forehead and smears purple seeds and juice all over his face.

HARLEY  
That's for tryin' to ruin my holiday!

OWL (O.S.)  
Hoo! Hoo!

HARLEY  
(grinding the pomegranate into Penguin's face for emphasis)  
This fat, fish-eatin' tuxedo-bird wanna-be, that's ...

Harley looks around for the speaker.

HARLEY (CON'T)  
... who ...

The Owl glides into view, above Harley and the Penguin. It carries the valise and drops it. It lands near Harley and breaks open, spilling money and jewelry on the ground. Penguin sees this and MOANS.

Harley stands and looks down at it.

BATMAN  
Harley ...

She takes a step back and sighs.

HARLEY  
OK, Bats, let's get this over with.

Batman walks up to her.

HARLEY (CON'T)  
I tried this time, Batman. I really did. And I was doin' it, or I thought I was, but I couldn't do this without Ivy, even though it meant ...

Harley looks at the ground and puts both arms out in front of her, wrists together.

HARLEY (CON'T)  
(sighs)  
Just take me back to Arkham.

Batman reaches under his cape and brings out a small, maybe 12-inch tall, sapling. He offers it to her.

BATMAN  
Happy Too Bish-vaht, Harley.

Harley blushes and grins sheepishly as we ...

**FADE OUT**

**END ACT THREE**

**END OF SHOW**


End file.
